I’ve always been someone who has looked forward to putting on makeup in the morning. I am the girl who is late for class because she spent too much trying to perfect her eyeliner. I enjoyed putting my makeup on. Who would have thought this fashion fanatic, makeup addict and lover of all things pink and sparkly, would be struggling to wake up in the morning, let alone put her makeup on?
I’ve been struggling with depression for a while but never wanted to actually address my feelings. I tried to ignore my feeling and emotions the best that I could but this year I decided to open up to my doctor about how I’ve been feeling. I told her about forcing myself to go to sleep to avoid my feelings, my loss of appetite, and lack of motivation. She gave me her input on how to proceed but my mother wasn’t happy with it. Of course my middle eastern mom was like, “Why are you depressed? You have everything you need and everything you could ever want. You have such an amazing life.” Depression runs in my family, but in my family we tend to deny how we’re really feeling and to repress our emotions for as long as possible. That’s not exactly a healthy habit.
I do have an amazing life and I’m thankful for everything that I have, but I’m unhappy. You can’t live a fulfilling life if you’re unhappy.
There are so many things I don’t understand about having depression. I didn’t understand why I wanted to be in bed all day, every day. I didn’t understand why I stopped caring about everything that was important to me. I stopped going to class and it became very difficult for me to hand in my assignments on time. I lost my hustle.
This year depression took over my life and because of that, I lost my confidence. I lost the confidence in my abilities and the motivation to strive towards my goals. I hit rock bottom and I didn’t tell anyone. I kept everything to myself for a long time and I stopped taking care of myself.
As 2018 is approaching I’m hoping to make a change. I want to feel motivated again in working towards my goals, I want to travel, and I want to start enjoying my life again. I’m scared of the new year because I don’t want a repeat of what happened in 2017, I want to be strong. I want to dedicate the new year to take the time to cope with depression, but most of all I just want to be confident in myself again. I want to feel like myself again.
Feature Image: Adobe Stock / © mangpor2004
On a more positive note, here are 10 things that bring me joy.